I Won A Competition!

Here's a lovely autumn picture for you! I took it in the green area around the company I'm freelancing with at the moment - the same place, in fact, where I took the picture of the rowan tree a couple of weeks ago. Now last week, the weather was so beautiful, I grabbed the chance to get some sunny pictures of coloured leaves, autumn at its best. I was right to take the pics while I could because last night, the weather turned to storm and masses of rain once again, and is supposed to stay like this for a while.

You might be wondering what the title of this entry is about? Well, I'm very excited because I just won the first prize in Julia's blog anniversary competition! And what I won is awesome: Julia's first book signed by her, an Easy World mug, aaaaand a glittering magic wand! Isn't it just so appropriate that the witch should have won a wand? I'm very much looking forward to my prize. If you'd like to check it out and see my name as the winner, see this page.

I have already assigned a place for the Easy World mug, by the way. I'll be using it in my new workplace from mid December onwards! Yes, I have been offered the job and gladly accepted it, too. I will miss my beloved Localisation company but with mum being sick, I need a better and more secure income so I can go and visit her more often. The new job is once again with a software company, but this time I'm not working in sales but in an audit/administration/customer service role with plenty of contact to the clients. It's right up my aisle! I'm very happy and relieved.

As for mum, her time in rehabilitation is quickly drawing to an end. My brother and sisters and myself have come to the only feasable decision and mum is going to live in a nursing home for the time being. It seems that she's very confused as to the extent of her illness and consequently, needs constant watching because she keeps trying to get out of bed and could hurt herself. My dad could never manage her. So it's for both their sakes that mum is going to be in constant care. Angie is going to move back from Canada to Germany and stay with my dad for the time being so he'll be looked after too. She meant to come back anyway, it's only happening a little sooner than expected now.

All we have to take care of now is the paperwork, and getting the whole thing financed! It's a lot of work and my poor brother Rodger is having to do most of it, for the simple reason that he lives at a reasonable distance to my parents. The good news is that mum has got a place in a nursing home very close to my parents' house so dad will be able to cycle or even walk there every day. It will save costs - the amount he's spent on petrol alone in the past two months is astronomical - and he'll be off the roads, where he just isn't safe anymore with his 80 years.

With this "solution", at least for the time being, there will be a big sigh of relief. The problem of mum's care and where she'll live, and what will happen to dad, is something that had weighed on my mind for some time now; it'll make me feel light as a feather when it's finally gone!

In the meantime, the three "persons" in my household are living through the dark weeks. Every morning it's darker than the day before when I open the blinds. My budgies make little sounds of protest when I turn off the main light before I leave for work, but they have their own daylight lamp and more just isn't possible, it would use too many resources and also get too expensive. The two of them are fine anyway, they feel completely at home in our flat now and the days I spend at home, I watch them flying up and down the length of the room, making a joyous racket, chasing each other, and generally being so alive and happy I can't stop smiling.

Less than five weeks now to the return of the light!

The Dark Weeks

Here's another picture of Killiney beach; imagine the same scene in the pitch dark and you'll get an idea of the "view" I had on the evening of Hallowe'en, standing just above the beach and looking out to sea while addressing and honouring the ancestors and asking them to look after my mum - now and especially after her passing, when it occurs. The wind was blowing and I threw an apple I had gotten specially for this "feast of apples" as it used to be called, into the grass along the slope leading down to the beach itself.

I then walked home and didn't have enough energy for much of a ritual. To my own surprise, the day had left me exhausted! Mind you, I had been getting up extra early to do my customary Samhain cleaning of the house before going to the Féile Draíochta. I scrubbed and dusted and hoovered like mad, also cleaned the budgies' cage, and then took a shower and got myself ready before walking the 20 minutes to Killiney station and taking the train into town.

The Féile Draíochta was great! I had been a little sceptical about the venue, a hotel, but it turned out to be perfect. It was an old building with large many-paned windows that formed the perfect backdrop to the books and jewellery and ritual things on display for sale. There were workshops and talks, and I even managed to listen to one about runes from start to finish. But the very best thing was meeting nearly every pagan I know in this country, from Catherine to Davey and Paul from Cork, to dozens of other people I love to bits and never see enough of. The next day I was still feeling all warm and fuzzy from all the hugs and cuddles!

As a volunteer I was lucky to get the best job of all: I got to babysit an adorable little pixie girl while her parents were giving a talk. She was the sweetest, most serene baby I've ever seen, cuddled up into my arms and let me carry her around and meet people. Everyone stopped to talk to her so the hour went past very quickly. The only time she made a little trouble was when I took her again later so her parents could paricipate in the closing ceremony in the late afternoon - she'd had enough of strangers by then I suppose and got a little cranky. But she was still cute enough to make me want to steal her!

It was a lovely, lovely day, and the perfect start into my Samhain ritual evening. I didn't mind being tired at all, I had done my ritual and given my libation, and so I didn't resist too long when I finally sat down and almost immediately felt very sleepy. I fell into bed at around ten and slept like a log. The next day was a lazy Sunday spent with my budgies who have finally finished moulting and are more lively once again.

It has become real, deep autumn in the meantime, going towards winter. These are the dark weeks of the year, and they really are right now - we still get sunshine in between, but also more and more of the grey weather with storm and heavy clouds and rain. I'll have to take some autumn pictures soon, I'd love to capture this atmosphere before the trees lose their leaves altogether and winter arrives. 

I'm also working again on another project, did I mention that the last time? It's great fun and I love the company, although I've started to once again send out applications. It's a bit unfortunate that just when I had decided to work in the areas I like best, my mum had her stroke and now I need security more than anything else, so I'll be able to travel to Germany regularly. I simply can't afford the breaks between projects if I'll have to buy flight tickets regularly. And so I've decided on a compromise: I won't go back into Sales but I will look at permanent customer service or similar positions. If all goes well, I'll visit my parents again in January. I wish I could go earlier but it's just not possible right now.

There's news about my mum too. By tomorrow we will have to make a decision about whether or not she'll go back to live with my dad, or in a nursing home. It's a very hard decision to make and we are discussing it endlessly; this evening, I'm going to talk to Angie on the phone (the gods know how expensive it'll be to phone an Irish mobile from Canada... but it's important right now). There's so much to consider, I don't even want to go into it now. But it seems clear that my dad won't be able to handle her, she needs constant care far beyond his abilities. Angie is trying to get back to Germany by December, which would be a great relief for us all. I just hope we'll make the right decision and dad will be looked after too.

I'll post an update about the outcome, and until then wish you all lovely autumn walks!

Almost Samhain

And another long pause... I'm running out of excuses! I guess I'll just have to find my previous blogging rhythm again, that's all. The truth is that I haven't had a lot to do, or any stress - it's just that part of my life seems to have been suspended by my mum's illness. There's no news really, and that's just the thing. It's becoming more and more obvious that she won't recover much at all. My mother is going to require constant care for the rest of her life, and it seems that her mind is affected as well; she's often clear and remembers things very well, but at other times, she seems confused or tells stories of events that never happened.

It's not something I can do much about. My siblings and myself are e-mailing regularly, trying to figure out what is going to happen, but the actual organisation of things falls to those in Germany. What I am left with is a life resembling normality, even happiness, and I feel content and grateful about a lot of things. However, at the same time there is the constant awareness in the back of my mind, like a slight headache that's always present, that someone close to me whom I love very much is sick, and suffering. I don't expect it's going to go away any time soon, and I must learn to go on, keep on living, participating in life - blogging too! - because being in limbo doesn't help mum one bit.

I'm back in work again too, which definitely helps. My company is just wonderful, I love them to bits and I'd give a lot to be able to stay here. Unfortunately, for the foreseeable future there'll only be contract work and pauses in between, and so I'm still looking around for something else as well. It'll all work out for the best, I'm convinced of that, and I have learned to wait if it's necessary. That's quite a biggie for me, seeing as Impatience is something like my middle name!

In the meantime, there's a lot to look forward to. For one thing, it's Samhain tomorrow! It's not one of my favourite sabbats, as it is for many pagans, but I do like the communication with my ancestors - which this year is going to include asking them to watch over my mum and, when her time comes, help lead her onwards into the next world - and the feeling of "Summer's End" (Samhain) and being on the threshold of the dark time of the year. It's the time when the whole autumn/winter thing still has a certain appeal to me, with candlelight and incense. By the new year (I don't see Samhain as the new year but celebrate at the common calendar's new year), I'm usually sick of winter and long for spring so this is the time to enjoy the cosiness of sitting inside with a mug of steaming tea, looking at the grey clouds and the rain through the window and hearing the wind howling around the house.

This year, I'm doing something special too on Samhain: I'm volunteering at the Féile Draíochta tomorrow! Nearly every pagan I know in Ireland is going to be there, and I'm looking forward to hugging them all. It'll be great, talks and workshops and wonderful people, and the best thing is, it happens during the day so in the evening I'll be back home to do my ritual. It's a very important ritual for me this year, for the above mentioned reason, and I will start with my usual walk when I get back on the train. Luckily, the train station is right next to the beach so I won't have to go far!

If I find the time and the energy, I will once again share my ritual here in my blog. I did this when I first started blogging, on Samhain three years ago, but since moving the site those old entries have been lost. Maybe that's a good opportunity to start blogging rituals again, for those who are interested. It's doing me good too, provides a kind of outside perspective on my ritual if I'm expressing it in words to share with the general public. There's a lot of clarity in writing things down.

I'll leave it at that for today! Tia and Mirias say hello. The above picture was taken before they started to moult last week. We're over the millions-of-feathers-everywhere phase by now (I've considered stuffing a pillow with the feathers. Would probably get together an entire bedset with what those two drop during one moult. And that's only slightly exaggerated!) and into the endearing cactus look, with new feathers sprouting and showing their black heads through their white and yellow faces.

Have a magical Samhain!

After A Long Pause For Breath

This is a picture of a rowan tree growing in the grounds around the company I worked for recently. Isn't it gorgeous? I'm glad I remembered to bring the camera as long as the leaves were still mostly green.

Apologies one more time, for the delay in updating. Things had been so intense for so long, I needed to withdraw for a bit, and that's what I did. After returning from Germany, I spent time on my own, took walks, or simply spent entire weekend days gaming online.

The break has done me a world of good! And now I'm beginning to get a little restless, which is a good sign. It means I'm ready for whatever comes next. I'm "between projects" now, meaning that I'm trying to allow things and trust life to bring along my next opportunity, and to not let me be without work for too long. There's a project coming up in the company I worked with on the last project, and they said they'll call me when it comes through. I've also applied and interviewed for a completely different project with a major company, a three-month contract in customer service which sounds very interesting. We will see.

As for my family, I don't know who benefited more from me being in Germany for four days, my parents or me! It felt wonderful to finally be there physically and able to help. I was on my feet all day, and far from being exhausting, it was a tonic. My dad has been holding up great, but he is a "classic" husband and my mum never allowed him near things like the washing and ironing, and so I "ordered" him to give me every piece of clothing he'd worn and proceeded to wash, dry, and iron it all. Then I cleaned the house from top to bottom and had a look at my parents' finances - another domain of my mum's. I explained to dad what has to be taken care of, and he is actually doing that now.

My mum was very weak and slept almost the entire time. When she was awake, she seemed to be clear - she recognised everyone who visited her and answered questions, also remembered my parents' wedding anniversary correctly. I spent hours every day sitting on the side of her bed and holding her hand, getting that physical contact I've been craving. It seemed to be doing her good too; she often squeezed my hand even in her sleep, and when I had to get up for some reason, I saw her grabbing a bit of the covers to "hold on to" until I came back to take her hand again.

In other things she was confused, for example she insisted she could get up when the physiotherapist had tried and failed to even have her sit on the bedside. I actually think that's a rather clever move of life, giving her the impression that she can stand and walk. If she sees in in her head, she has a much higher chance of recovering some movement than otherwise. While I was there, she even moved her left arm a bit; something she doesn't seem to have done again, but it was an encouraging sign.

It wasn't exactly a shock to see her like that at first, I know enough about strokes so I was prepared. But it was still terrible to see my active, capable mum so helpless. She couldn't even swallow at the time, and had to be fed through a tube down her nose into the stomach. In her sleep, she kept tugging out that tube, causing extra work for the nurses who ended up tying her right hand to the bed. I understood completely but still found it horrifying - not to be able to even scratch oneself or do ANYTHING! My greatest relief was when my brother e-mailed last week that mum could now swallow again and got rid of that tube. She's now in rehabilitation and making very very slow progress; there's not much hope that she'll regain much of her mobility but we will have to wait and see. In any case, I feel so much calmer for having seen her!

There's not much else to report, really, other than that my new flat is wonderful and I love it to bits! I never thought I'd be so happy here, I thought of it as a rational solution to save money. Objectively speaking it's nowhere near as beautiful as my old place, but it FEELS right. Tia and Mirias love it too, they fly around the room all the time, chasing each other, and otherwise sit on top of the cage for most of the day. I'd almost forgotten how much they used to be outside when we were in Tipperary, and I'm very glad they are once more. The exercise is doing them very good.

Enjoy autumn, everyone, as we are moving towards the dark time of the year. I'll write again a lot sooner than last time, promise!

Equinox

This picture not only shows the beautiful Killiney beach 15 minutes walk from my new home; to me it also represents the last of the carefree late-summer days before the Equinox came, and with it a great shock in my life. My dear mum, who had just come out of hip surgery with no problems in spite of her general poor health and her 78 years, had a severe stroke and is now in a special unit in hospital requiring constant care. She can hardly speak, is sometimes confused, and can't swallow properly. My dad is completely helpless, he has always relied on mum for everything and she's already been away for several weeks due to the hip surgery.

Now my mum hasn't been well in a long time, and I always knew that something like this might happen. But even though I might have thought I was prepared - in the end, when it does happen it always comes as a shock. I guess it's just not possible to prepare for something like that. I love my mum very much, although we are as different as if we were two different species (well, we are, seeing as I'm a hag, haha!). Perhaps because we're so different, our relationship has always relied very much on physical contact. My mum is a cuddly mum, which is probably one of the reason I turned out to be such a cuddly hag, and I think that what I'll miss most if and when she should pass away, is to just hug her and breathe in her mum-scent, the physical representation of the fact that she is the rock in my life, the one place I could always come to, no matter our differences.

And so when I heard the bad news, my first impulse was to go there and BE there for her, again in the physical sense. With Alan being wonderful and lending me his credit card, I was able to book a flight straightaway, for Thursday. I'll be back Sunday evening and until then, I'll spend lots of time in the hospital with mum and otherwise look after my poor lost dad, cleaning the house and doing the laundry and things like that. A lot is going to change, and we'll have to think about who's going to look after my parents in the long run. My brother and sisters and I have been e-mailing back and forth about that and I'm sure we'll sort something out.

Of course, this news on the day that I had planned my annual eve-of-the-Equinox ritual caused a lot of confusion. I was sad, shocked, and at the same time accepting, knowing that while there is pain, there is no bitterness in what I feel. My mum has lived a long and relatively healthy life until the very last few years, and even then she's always managed to live and look after herself and dad really well. She has achieved what she wanted in this life and has been happy. Now we'll have to make her as comfortable as possible so she can spend her remaining time in peace and dignity. In a way, this is her "harvest" and so it fits in with the time of the year. The year is waning, and so is my mum. It's our turn now, as her children, to show our gratefulness for all we've received from her, and our turn to give.

In that sense, my slightly melancholy autumn feeling has "only" been enhanced, but I was still incapable of doing a proper ritual. I just didn't have the focus and concentration for it. So I've decided that while I'm very much aware of the season and the sabbat, I'm not going to have a formal ritual this time. When I'm in Germany, I might try to find the time one evening to go for my customary autumn walk and collect decorations, maybe even do an impromptu ritual. I shall see.

That was my rather sad update; I have to say though that before I got the news of my mum's stroke, I was very happy. The last week has been a challenge, with work and also moving my things to the new place, but I managed and on Saturday finally took the rest of my things as well as the budgies. Tia and Mirias were real troopers as always, and this time they also seemed to fall in love with the new flat right away. I'm so relieved that they are already out of the cage and flying around! The smaller room with lower ceilings seems to suit them. Maybe the spacious living room in the Dun Laoghaire flat was a bit too daunting for two little budgies? I don't know but I'm glad that they're adjusting so well.

And with that I'll close and wish everyone a beautiful Equinox! May your harvest be bountiful and give you much to be grateful for.