Equinox
Tuesday, September 22, 2009 
This picture not only shows the beautiful Killiney beach 15 minutes walk from my new home; to me it also represents the last of the carefree late-summer days before the Equinox came, and with it a great shock in my life. My dear mum, who had just come out of hip surgery with no problems in spite of her general poor health and her 78 years, had a severe stroke and is now in a special unit in hospital requiring constant care. She can hardly speak, is sometimes confused, and can't swallow properly. My dad is completely helpless, he has always relied on mum for everything and she's already been away for several weeks due to the hip surgery.
Now my mum hasn't been well in a long time, and I always knew that something like this might happen. But even though I might have thought I was prepared - in the end, when it does happen it always comes as a shock. I guess it's just not possible to prepare for something like that. I love my mum very much, although we are as different as if we were two different species (well, we are, seeing as I'm a hag, haha!). Perhaps because we're so different, our relationship has always relied very much on physical contact. My mum is a cuddly mum, which is probably one of the reason I turned out to be such a cuddly hag, and I think that what I'll miss most if and when she should pass away, is to just hug her and breathe in her mum-scent, the physical representation of the fact that she is the rock in my life, the one place I could always come to, no matter our differences.
And so when I heard the bad news, my first impulse was to go there and BE there for her, again in the physical sense. With Alan being wonderful and lending me his credit card, I was able to book a flight straightaway, for Thursday. I'll be back Sunday evening and until then, I'll spend lots of time in the hospital with mum and otherwise look after my poor lost dad, cleaning the house and doing the laundry and things like that. A lot is going to change, and we'll have to think about who's going to look after my parents in the long run. My brother and sisters and I have been e-mailing back and forth about that and I'm sure we'll sort something out.
Of course, this news on the day that I had planned my annual eve-of-the-Equinox ritual caused a lot of confusion. I was sad, shocked, and at the same time accepting, knowing that while there is pain, there is no bitterness in what I feel. My mum has lived a long and relatively healthy life until the very last few years, and even then she's always managed to live and look after herself and dad really well. She has achieved what she wanted in this life and has been happy. Now we'll have to make her as comfortable as possible so she can spend her remaining time in peace and dignity. In a way, this is her "harvest" and so it fits in with the time of the year. The year is waning, and so is my mum. It's our turn now, as her children, to show our gratefulness for all we've received from her, and our turn to give.
In that sense, my slightly melancholy autumn feeling has "only" been enhanced, but I was still incapable of doing a proper ritual. I just didn't have the focus and concentration for it. So I've decided that while I'm very much aware of the season and the sabbat, I'm not going to have a formal ritual this time. When I'm in Germany, I might try to find the time one evening to go for my customary autumn walk and collect decorations, maybe even do an impromptu ritual. I shall see.
That was my rather sad update; I have to say though that before I got the news of my mum's stroke, I was very happy. The last week has been a challenge, with work and also moving my things to the new place, but I managed and on Saturday finally took the rest of my things as well as the budgies. Tia and Mirias were real troopers as always, and this time they also seemed to fall in love with the new flat right away. I'm so relieved that they are already out of the cage and flying around! The smaller room with lower ceilings seems to suit them. Maybe the spacious living room in the Dun Laoghaire flat was a bit too daunting for two little budgies? I don't know but I'm glad that they're adjusting so well.
And with that I'll close and wish everyone a beautiful Equinox! May your harvest be bountiful and give you much to be grateful for.
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Reader Comments (12)
Sending loving thoughts to you and your mum and dad. hugs!
lisa
I'm always with you in my thoughts - sending you the energy you need and much love....xxxx hugs
Thank you both, your support is so much appreciated.
Hugs!!
Oh sweetie. I am so sorry to hear that. Your family will be in my thoughts and prayers. May the winter of your mother's life be comfortable and full of peace. And may you and your siblings be strong and wise in the face of whatever is to come. (((HUGS)))
Our thoughts are with you. We hope for the very best outcome for your mother.
Mandy and Linda: Thank you so much, it means a lot.
Hugs!!
Hey sweetie,
You know I am here for you, if there is anything I can do, anything you need, please let me know. I feel a little helpless, but am sending you and your whole family all my love.
Love you lots! Big hugs!!!
Inga: Thank you sweetie, it's so good to know that you're there. Don't worry about me if you shouldn't hear from me soon; there is so much to do and to organise, so many people to inform and write to or phone, I'll probably need a couple of days to myself when I'm back. It's something I haven't had in weeks! But I'll try to keep you (and everyone) up to date.
Hugs!!
Awww...(((hugs))). I know this is a challenge, especially to your inner child. It's a rite of passage almost all of us must go through, but I know that doesn't make it feel any better! Just trust the process and know that All Is Well and that everything that happens is in service to your highest well-being, even when it doesn't look or feel like it.
Love and more Love,
Julia
Julia: Thank you so much for your kind words! That it is for the highest good of all concerned is something I feel deep down inside in spite of the sadness. We will find a solution that suits all, I am convinced of it. Right now I'm just anxious to get to Germany, to actually BE THERE! Thankfully, my flight leaves in the morning.
Hugs!!
My Dear Sibylle,
Nothing hurts more than a loved one in pain, whatever their age, but just know that I am thinking of you. My mam is still a rock to draw strength from, even now. Give all the hugs you can, while you can.
Beir Bua,
Shane
Shane, thank you for your thoughts and your lovely words. I know you understand the place I'm in right now, probably better than anyone. Mum is slowly getting a little better, and I'm grateful for every little step. Big hugs!!