Equinox

This picture not only shows the beautiful Killiney beach 15 minutes walk from my new home; to me it also represents the last of the carefree late-summer days before the Equinox came, and with it a great shock in my life. My dear mum, who had just come out of hip surgery with no problems in spite of her general poor health and her 78 years, had a severe stroke and is now in a special unit in hospital requiring constant care. She can hardly speak, is sometimes confused, and can't swallow properly. My dad is completely helpless, he has always relied on mum for everything and she's already been away for several weeks due to the hip surgery.

Now my mum hasn't been well in a long time, and I always knew that something like this might happen. But even though I might have thought I was prepared - in the end, when it does happen it always comes as a shock. I guess it's just not possible to prepare for something like that. I love my mum very much, although we are as different as if we were two different species (well, we are, seeing as I'm a hag, haha!). Perhaps because we're so different, our relationship has always relied very much on physical contact. My mum is a cuddly mum, which is probably one of the reason I turned out to be such a cuddly hag, and I think that what I'll miss most if and when she should pass away, is to just hug her and breathe in her mum-scent, the physical representation of the fact that she is the rock in my life, the one place I could always come to, no matter our differences.

And so when I heard the bad news, my first impulse was to go there and BE there for her, again in the physical sense. With Alan being wonderful and lending me his credit card, I was able to book a flight straightaway, for Thursday. I'll be back Sunday evening and until then, I'll spend lots of time in the hospital with mum and otherwise look after my poor lost dad, cleaning the house and doing the laundry and things like that. A lot is going to change, and we'll have to think about who's going to look after my parents in the long run. My brother and sisters and I have been e-mailing back and forth about that and I'm sure we'll sort something out.

Of course, this news on the day that I had planned my annual eve-of-the-Equinox ritual caused a lot of confusion. I was sad, shocked, and at the same time accepting, knowing that while there is pain, there is no bitterness in what I feel. My mum has lived a long and relatively healthy life until the very last few years, and even then she's always managed to live and look after herself and dad really well. She has achieved what she wanted in this life and has been happy. Now we'll have to make her as comfortable as possible so she can spend her remaining time in peace and dignity. In a way, this is her "harvest" and so it fits in with the time of the year. The year is waning, and so is my mum. It's our turn now, as her children, to show our gratefulness for all we've received from her, and our turn to give.

In that sense, my slightly melancholy autumn feeling has "only" been enhanced, but I was still incapable of doing a proper ritual. I just didn't have the focus and concentration for it. So I've decided that while I'm very much aware of the season and the sabbat, I'm not going to have a formal ritual this time. When I'm in Germany, I might try to find the time one evening to go for my customary autumn walk and collect decorations, maybe even do an impromptu ritual. I shall see.

That was my rather sad update; I have to say though that before I got the news of my mum's stroke, I was very happy. The last week has been a challenge, with work and also moving my things to the new place, but I managed and on Saturday finally took the rest of my things as well as the budgies. Tia and Mirias were real troopers as always, and this time they also seemed to fall in love with the new flat right away. I'm so relieved that they are already out of the cage and flying around! The smaller room with lower ceilings seems to suit them. Maybe the spacious living room in the Dun Laoghaire flat was a bit too daunting for two little budgies? I don't know but I'm glad that they're adjusting so well.

And with that I'll close and wish everyone a beautiful Equinox! May your harvest be bountiful and give you much to be grateful for.

The Wind Of My Soul

That's how the song "The Wind" by Cat Stevens starts, and I find myself humming it under my breath quite a lot these days: "I listen to the wind, to the wind of my soul. I let my music take me where my heart wants to go...". I am in such a state of bliss right now, it can only come from the knowledge that I have found myself again, found parts of me that I had almost forgotten, and I'm so very happy and grateful!

I guess it's time I let the cat out of the bag and told you all what's been happening. In a nutshell, I have stopped putting up with the state my life was in, the constant financial pressure because of my debts and consequently the push towards jobs I didn't enjoy, mostly in Sales. And I've embraced what I realised a while ago - those who read here regularly might recall my attempts to go back to teaching German as a foreign language (nothing has come of that yet, but they are keeping me in mind) - that I don't want to be in Sales, that I am all about language and languages and want to work either in online advertising/copywriting again or in anything else language related.

And then my "great" new job turned out to be NOT for me after all. I won't go into details here, I just think it's telling that in a previous blog entry titled "Working For The Harvest" I thought I had made the best of things but really felt so bad that it was palpable to the more perceptive people. Catherine actually e-mailed me to ask if I was okay! I was surprised because at the time, I didn't even see that I was in the wrong place and desparately trying to make sense of it. In short, my software company was the right company but the wrong job; and the new job was the right job but the wrong company.

When I left the third job in a year, I stopped and REALLY thought. And I realised that "permanent" jobs aren't very permanent or secure at all in the current climate, with recession as the majority's reality. And so I might as well take freelance, contract, and temporary jobs that are closer to what I really want to do. In order to do that, I had to significantly cut my cost of living. Now I have already cut out all possible expenses, and the one thing left was the rent. Six months ago, my flat was the cheapest I could get. Now, the prices have dropped dramatically, and I was unbelievably lucky to stumble across a lovely young family who are looking to rent out the little "granny flat" attached to their house. The rent includes bills and even wireless internet and so all in all I will save OVER 300 EURO EVERY SINGLE MONTH.

The flat is nowhere near as nice as mine, it's a little further South as well and more like a 15-minute walk to the sea, but it looks like I'll be able to sleep there because instead of three neighbour flats with shift-workers I will only have my landlord and his family who seem to have a more normal sleeping rhythm. Another thing I'm really excited about is that it's only partly furnished so I'll get to put in my own stuff for the first time in years! I'm going to get a bed and a wardrobe from Ikea and I can even afford it.

The "afford it" part comes from working almost around the clock on a project for the past two weeks. The company I'm with - on a freelance basis, but I hope they'll have lots more jobs for me because they're great - "localises" video games. In other words, a game is translated to, for example, German, and then has to be checked to see if it's not only a correct translation but fits into the context as well and makes sense in German, and also doesn't offend any cultural sensitivities etc. I work all hours at the moment but since I'm getting paid by the hour, I don't mind at all! As for what will happen after the current project ends - who knows. I have a few applications going but they're on MY terms now. Criteria are: Do I like/want the work and how far is it from where I live? If it's close to my home, I will consider less exciting jobs. For language jobs I would commute.

You see, the whole bollocks that there's no jobs is just that - bollocks. There's ALWAYS work. I've even registered with a temp agency for office work, and if all else fails, I'll do some audiotyping until the next role comes up. If at all possible, I'd like to stay in the localisation industry, I love it here. Freelancing gives me the chance to take up work for them whenever there's anything available, until perhaps some day there will be a permanent opening. But I'm in no hurry.

The great re-discovery I mentioned at the beginning is this: Life is looking after me and provides for me, as long as I stay true to myself. I am once again learning to trust. And I'm outrageously happy! No, I didn't want to move AGAIN, but the new apartment is just 2.5 miles down the road from the old one and I have over a week to move, so every day I load a few boxes into my car and drive down. Next Saturday, my bookshelves will be moved and I'll bring the budgies, and then it'll be all done. I'm sorry to have to uproot Tia and Mirias again but there's no way around that, I'm afraid! In the meantime, I'm taking pictures of them in the Dun Laoghaire flat, as you can see above.

It's as if my life has slowed down to a relaxed, happy pace with lots of time to smell the flowers. And that although I've been working 65-hour weeks! I'm not stressed in the least. Julia would say I'm in Easy World. Needless to say, I'm loving it.

Just A Quick Hello

Sorry for the missing updates! The situation is that I don't have internet at home at the moment and it can be a challenge to sneak online during breaks at work. If any of you who read this are waiting or a reply to an e-mail or a Facebook message, apologies, and now you know the reason. I should be back online between the 15th and the 20th of September, just in time for the Equinox.

I can't write much today but wanted to let everyone know! And of course I have news too, but some of them I'm keeping to myself for now. In fact, I have a rather big secret but as with my holiday before summer, I'm going to keep quiet about it until, well, until it's all sorted out. In the meantime, here's a brief recounting of what I've been up to.

Last weekend, my little town hosted the Festival of World Cultures, and I loved having all the music and life at my doorstep. While other people had to fight over car parking space, I strolled out of my house and didn't even have to leave the square I live on, because one of the many stages was set up in the little park right in the middle of it! Even while I was at home, I could hear the music but it never got annoying because the bands that played were for the most part amazing and the whole thing stopped around ten every night.

There were plenty of events that cost an entrance fee but also a lot that were free. Maeve, Brian, and Claire were up from Cork and the four of us went to see a lovely Ethiopian band on Saturday evening. The band played on a stage just by the sea promenade that I usually take my walks at, and to our left was the sea. At six thirty, the sun was still shining, and it was so unbelievably beautiful out there, I couldn't believe it! I danced to the music amongst happy people of all ages, quite a few of them male and with long hair, just the way I like it, haha! I had a great time.

Afterwards, we went on the Ferris Wheel that had been set up a little further down by the sea, and then on a "traditional" carousel which wasn't so traditional at all because it went about three times as fast as it would have in Victorian times. We had the time of our lives, as you can see:

It was a great evening and we decided to go again the next day. Sunday was the last day of the festival but it was as busy as Saturday had been. We went to the same stage we'd been at the evening before and were incredibly lucky to catch the performance of Dulsori, a Korean drumming band whose name means literally "heartbeat of the land". Does that sound like me? You bet it does! For years and years, I've been looking for good, sensual, exciting drumming that I could dance to during my rituals. And I found it in a South Korean combo, what was the likelihood of that? They are absolutely, breathtakingly amazing, just do a YouTube search on Dulsori and you'll know what I mean. The picture of this entry is of them of course, you can't see much but they were basically drumming with their entire bodies and with a precision that was almost frightening, it was as if they read each other's minds. If you are a musician, you'll understand what I mean when you listen to a sample!

The weekend was a welcome break from all the planning and organising of the aforementioned secret that I have. This week, I'm also working like a horse, I come home late every evening and it's a bit tiring but I enjoy it and so it's all good. Just now, I came home to the most amazing moon in a clear sky. It was quite breathtaking and for once I wasn't just looking towards winter with dread, I saw the mystery of dark evenings and the comfort of tea and candlelight in the months to come.

And now I'm off again, sorry again for the long breaks between entries right now, and for this fly-by update. It'll all get more regular once I have a broadband connection again!

Working For The Harvest

A couple of days ago, someone who really should know better, accused me of lying. I was so stunned, hurt, and angry by the mere suggestion that I didn't even realise just how little that person knows me. I am bound to the truth by my dedication and by the very nature of my religious practice. Magic is based on clear intention, chanelled and focused through unambiguous words and actions. As Starhawk points out, magic basically works on the principle "It is so because I say it is so". Somebody who knows they can't trust their own words because they are not always true, lacks the necessary conviction. At best, their magic will be weak; at worst, unpredictable and hard to control. Hence, out of sheer egotism as much as any ethic considerations, I have bound myself to the truth.

This initially unpleasant occurance might trigger a whole new article on magic, you never know. The other article I was working on, the one about building a good life, is on hold for the time being; I know what I know to be true in this area, but first I need to learn how to put these things into practice more. I would feel like a fraud teaching others what I haven't mastered myself. Right now, I am learning anew the principles of abundance, and I really need to learn them. By this time of the year, I had planned to be well on my way to more financial comfort, but as you know, the job didn't turn out that way. I only just made enough money to survive, nothing extra to consolidate what my unemployment cost me the previous months. And now I earn even less... It's going to be an interesting 2-3 months, to say the least!

Sometimes things still seem to overwhelm me, and I'm asking myself, when, WHEN will it ever get better? I'm away from my budgies all day. I still have no money to see friends much or, the gods forbid, go out. And my house is too noisy at night for me to sleep properly so I am not just overworked but constantly tired as well. It can seem like too much, but when it does, I quickly gain perspective and realise that I'm lucky to have a job I enjoy, a beautiful place to live, and the chance to earn commission in the future and end this financial draught once and for all.

As if to confirm the positive thinking, this weekend Natasha decided to visit me, so I got to hug a friend without having to travel and spend money on it. It was a glorious day yesterday, blue sea and bright sunshine, although unfortunately it got a little cloudier around the time Natasha arrived. Still, it stayed dry until the evening and we had a lovely walk along the windy Sandycove promenade, where I took the above picture. It was lovely being able to catch up - a lot is going on in both our lives at the moment - and when we were thoroughly "blown through and through" by the wind, we went to my place for a lovely cup of tea, just like Irish people should (except that neither of us is Irish!).

Now it's Sunday evening and I wonder where the weekend went. I spent a lot of time today online, yesterday was for cleaning and organising and the aforementioned walk with Natasha. Tomorrow the new week starts, which will once again fly by I am sure, and I wonder how much longer this is going to be the way? I know, it seems nothing special, just what most people's lives are like. I also know a different life, working from home, and whilst I loved that at the time, it turned out it wasn't for me in the long run. There's got to be something else... I know it. And I will find it. It doesn't mean I'm unhappy or anything - again, I enjoy my work - but this life has no balance and it's not what I want in the long run.

I'm allowing myself all sorts of thoughts at the moment, even "shocking" ones like, will I stay in Ireland? Oh, don't get me wrong, this is still my home, I love the country and the people. What I get increasingly frustrated about is the big rip-off we have here. Sub-standard housing at sky-high prices. People all stuck together in one crowd, and nobody giving a toss about the others, making noise at all times and slamming doors like there's no tomorrow. The only way to get to a detached house with reasonable distance to neighbours is to become a millionaire, because either you'll spend a million or more on the house or if it's slightly less expensive, it'll be in the middle of nowhere so you won't have a chance to commute to any workplace. Other countries have affordable housing, some of it in flats but in houses with proper walls and insulation, and rules about night rest and similar. There's social security that actually deserves that label. And it's possible to live on an average salary, not in luxury, but without having to dig into savings and overdrafts every single month.

No, I won't move - of course not, I love it here and if nothing else, I wouldn't leave my budgies and couldn't take them with me. But I am feeling the annoyance, the impatience, all these feelings that have been coming up again and again over the past two years or so, and that I am no longer willing to tolerate. I've always known that one day I'll stop accepting it all and start taking my life back. I see my current job as a step along that way, not as a hindrance, because it will give me some financial stability that I need to start out from. But neither is the job the be-all-and-end-all; oh no, it's a step. Nothing more and nothing less.

So this is how this entry's title came about! I feel like I'm working like a horse, but as a means to an end, for that "harvest" I'm hoping to bring in. May it be that which I long for and for the highest good of all concerned. So be it!

Starting Over Again

Here’s another Finland picture! Finally Miikka has started to get the pictures off his phone, and so I can finally show you impressions of the day we spent in the adventure park. The one above was taken from the Näsinneula observation tower and shows about 1/16^th of the panoramic view we had through the all-glass windows around the top of the tower.

And here’s the Barbarian respectively the hag on fun rides (Barbarian in the green camouflage t-shirt pretty much front central and slightly left):

 

Alright, I guess I’m going to have to come up with other pictures for the next entries – it’s been three weeks since my Finland holiday and these are getting a little, well, old! It’s hard to believe that it’s been this long but there you are. And I’ve started my job a week ago, that’s unbelievable too. I am working insane hours and am a little tired but at the same time, I really really love what I do and for once I can not just identify with the company and the people but with the work as well. So I’m not complaining!

Because I start work early and have a long commute, I had to be creative in organising my weekdays. The house I live in never gets quiet before midnight and often stays noisy long afterwards. In order to have some “life” left outside of the job, I have reduced my sleeping hours to 6 ½ hours, and amazingly it seems to work for me. As well, I have streamlined my morning routine so that now I only take a quick shower, then jump into clothes I have laid out the night before and have breakfast whilst talking to Tia and Mirias before I head to the train station. Anything else – preparing lunch, washing my hair, washing up, giving the budgies fresh water etc etc – has been moved to the evening. I generally do these things first thing when I get home, then it’s all done and I get to sit down and relax.

All the while, I watch the days grow shorter. I know the day will come that I’ll have to switch on the light first thing after getting up. Winter is a time of candlelight and hot chocolate and I’m trying to think of it that way, but to be honest I’m not too keen on going to work in the dark and back home when it’s dark again. I have already started to go outside during my lunch hour whenever I can and I’ll try to stick to that routine. Apart from that, I’ll enjoy summer while it lasts! The Autumn Equinox is still a long way away, several weeks. It’s my least favourite sabbat of the year, probably because it ends the reign of the light. I shall try and focus on the abundance of harvest this year, instead of the end of mild, carefree summer days.

As for my work-life-spirituality balance, it works very well! I try to put in social time and get out into nature at least once every weekend. This Sunday I managed to combine both things: Inga and Rachel were up from Cork and we met in Booterstown and took a walk on the beach there. Now when I say “walk”, what I actually mean is that we climbed over cliffs half the time, which was surprisingly tiring, so we got some exercise as well! It was lovely to see the girls and sit on a rock by the water catching up on each other’s lives. We decided we should do these little weekend get-togethers way more often.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ll have to log on and go adventuring in a fantasy world with my favourite Barbarian. Isn’t it grand to have a bit of escapeism? I’m enjoying it immensely, and as well, it’s incomparably cheap AND keeps me from spending money elsewhere at the same time. In other words, a perfect hag distraction!